Coffee Ninja's
Image via Wikipedia There’s a running debate currently on the internets about Pirates vs. Ninja’s. I can’t say for myself which I would root for, not being a member of either faction. However, I think the term is applicable in many areas of everyday society, in particular when describing the soulless hordes that descend upon the coffee station at any random workplace.
As if it were any mystery, please let me clarify this for the record: I love coffee. My mother is a bona fide addict of the stuff as well, and when I was younger she was my dealer. Now that I’m older, a day can seldom go by without me having at least one cup. I find it rather appropos that my chosen profession as a programmer has me working with a language of the same name as this god-like substance. However, my inclinations are not the motivator for this post, rather those forces that work in opposition to them.
I’ll start by asking a simple question: How goddamn hard is it to make a pot of coffee? Consider for a moment the coffeemakers found these days in common workplaces. It’s gotten to the point to where there is no measurement involved anymore. You replace a filter, open and pour a pre-measured pouch, and hit a button. Entire process maybe takes a minute or two, if you dawdle. It’s so blindingly simple, an orangutan could do it.
My workplace is plagued by coffee ninjas. Chances are pretty good you have some of your own in your work, or else you are one yourself. It’s pretty simple; these are the people who will take the last full cup of coffee from the decanter and not make another pot. I have found that it happens with surprising frequency, since the other day I had to make 3 pots of coffee before 9:30 in the morning. I guess that makes me the office orangutan.
I believe that there is a special level of hell reserved for these people. In my mind, that hell is a place where they are doomed to make and serve coffee for all eternity to pretentious snobs who don’t know anything about good coffee. To top it off, while doing all this the doomed person is not allowed to even take a sip of coffee for themselves.
In short, they will spend an eternity in hell working at a Starbucks.
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Yep. The same thing happens here, even though they’ve posted little signs by the coffee carafes saying to make another pot if you take the last of it — even with handy dandy little instructions on how to make coffee.
You know me… I very rarely drink “office coffee”, but lately I’ve been doing it more and more — it’s free and Mountain Dew isn’t — so I’ve been noticing that it’s pretty much the same few people that wind up making the coffee (I can see the station from my desk) even though there’s a whole lot more people that drink it.