New Year’s Musings

•January 4, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Like many people, I spend a considerable amount of time every January thinking about the topic of a New Year resolution. I have something of a love/hate relationship with the concept, which often leads me to make a resolution one year, and then refuse the next. I believe that starting the year by making a promise to ones self, a promise that typically gets broken before the month of January is even finished, sets a bad precedent for the remainder of the year.

Yet reaching is good, and the desire to self-improve is good. One should want to make themselves better, even if only for their own sake. This is something I tell myself every year, which is why when I do make a resolution; it’s geared toward that end. Last year, (like many years before it), I “resolved” to quit smoking.

I think I made it 3 whole days.

However, in April, I managed to put the cigarettes down and have not gone back. Now, the obvious implications aside, this was both unusual and significant for me. Never before had I managed to make a New Years Resolution really “work”. This was the first time I reached and actually caught what I was reaching for.

It felt kind of good.

So now, I am faced with another New Year, another “promise” to make to myself. Considering the dramatic changes success brought in the last year, I wonder what I should reach for next. I tossed the idea around in my head for weeks, and never really came up with anything until this realization.

It doesn’t really matter…

What you change or the reasons you change it don’t really matter. What matters is the act of building & keeping your integrity with the one person who always knows when you are lying, yourself. That’s what resolutions are for, & everything else is just a happy by-product.

That realization didn’t provide the answer I was seeking, but it made it easier to finally come to it: I resolve to have resolve, my resolution is to be resolute.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Posted in Mutterings

Artwork Update – 12/20

•December 20, 2009 • 1 Comment

Here are few things that I have procrastinated in posting…

Posted in Artwork

The Quiet Hours

•December 15, 2009 • 1 Comment

The creative process can be something of a mental whirlwind. Artists, writers, & other creative types will know what I’m talking about. It’s a sense of excitement, the eagerness you feel when beginning work on a new project. The details flash in your mind faster than thought, & for just a little while you believe that this could turn into a masterpiece, a sort of magnum opus.  It’s like that a lot for me, & I approach each new idea with a high level of energy & enthusiasm.

Now there are those who might consider me talented. Occasionally I’m told that I waste my time with programming & instead should be pursuing an artist’s life full-bore.

Sometimes, I actually allow myself believe that to be true.

The quiet hours, however, show me reality. For all my desires & for all the work that I put into it, I’ll never be a truly great artist. This isn’t merely pessimism or self doubt, it’s just simple fact. There’s a measure of understanding, or depth that great artists have. I can recognize it when I see it, & what’s more is that I can recognize that whatever talent I do possess is pretty shallow by comparison.

Some may have noticed that I don’t post much of what I do, & what does get posted is often done with great trepidation on my part. It’s not that I’m afraid of critics, I just don’t like offering proof. Believe it or not, I honestly don’t care about the reviews of others since I accepted the wildly varying tastes of the public masses a long time ago. I just cringe showing the obvious, billboard-like representations of a skill-set that, to me, is sorely lacking. I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years; I should be better. There’s no excuse for not being better.

It’s times like this that make me want to toss out my art supplies, and hang it all up.

One of the toughest things I’ve had to resolve in my own mind is that I’m creating tangible reminders of those shortcomings. Within my studio are drawings and paintings of various sizes and stages of completion that all look at me in silent accusation.  I’m in effect, creating my own discouragement.  It’s a twisted scenario to exist in, especially in an occupation that I’m supposed to enjoy.

One question I’ve always asked myself when I think to long on it is this: Should I continue to draw & paint purely for the sake of the enjoyment I derive from the process?  Or should I stop altogether, & silence the mutterings of my mind during the quiet hours, the mutterings that accuse me of vanity and ego?

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